June 2017

“The king died and then the queen died is a story. The king died, and then the queen died of grief is a plot.” -E.M. Forster

In exactly 500 words, what is happening here?

Michael Lejeune says:

Okay, LOOK. You see it? It’s right there in the picture. On the butt end of that banana peel. I took a picture and I’m going public with this. Either I’m losing my mind or everyone else is. That’s prolly a famous set of last words right there.

Pay attention. You are about to be mentally swindled, I’ll bet. You see that banana peel? You see that little worm on the end of it? LOOK AT IT. That thing is part of some kind of conspiracy or something. And you’re not in on it, trust me.

Lemme tell you a story, OK? You have time for this. I’m telling you, you have the time. Listen.

I go to my friend Bert, right, nothing weird or unusual. We’re just gonna go catch a flick. At the Regal. And he’s eating a banana. He offers me one, I say no. I don’t like them. Never have. Now I REALLY don’t. But anyway, he’s just laughing and telling me about this girl he sacked the night before, which is bullshit cuz he never sacks anyone but his own self. And as he’s talking he’s taking bites out of this banana. And I notice something moving on it, so I look and there’s this worm, wriggling right on it. Not even on the peel, it’s on the inside. And I start to stop him eating it but he takes another bite and EATS it.

So I get all grossed out and I’m like Bert you dumb shit you just ate a damn WORM and he’s like whaaaaat and we go back and forth, he doesn’t believe me! So I’m like man if there’s one there’s probably more so we’re looking for evidence on the banana. And we find more worms! There’s a ton of them in there, between the peel and the inside. And they don’t like being exposed neither. As soon as they are, they crawl right up to the tip of the thing, where you’d take your next bite.

And here’s the thing that I still gag at. He ATE them. He just looked at them, and then took that next bite. Ate em all. I threw up. That’s some seriously disgusting shit right there. Don’t even want to think about it.

After he swallowed, he goes back to talking about that girl he never sacked but wants me to think he did. And I’m like Bert WTF you sick prick you ate WORMS but he just ignores me and keeps talking. Then he tried to get ME to eat a banana. Kept trying, too.

I didn’t go to the flick with him cuz I was so grossed out and I was getting the feeling I couldn’t trust him. And it’s a good thing because since then, lots of people I know and some I don’t have been offering me bananas. Some of them are getting real insistent. I don’t think being in a crowd’s a good thing for me right now.

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